wander to nowhere

I went home after 3 years of travelling and living abroad. Weeks leading up to my departure, I was anxious: what would it be like? how would I greet my parents? should I hug them and kiss them? I am sure they will not go for that. My western mind and my eastern heritage came into frequent conflict. I have forgotten how to behave "accordingly" in my own home.

How much can a person change in 3 years? I guess that depend on how badly that person wants to change. I was desperate for changes. I grew up wanting stability and seeking to belong but I was disappointed again and again until I learn to see that the only constant in life is 'change'. So change I did, so much so that I hardly recognise myself when I was home looking at myself through the eyes of my friends and family.

However, I love who I have become. I am contented with the structureless, unconforming life that I am carving for myself; the simplicity and intensity of living for today. I have learn to appreciate what I have and not dwell on what I have not. I have also learnt to appreciate my past, for it makes me who I am today.

I am by no means perfect nor complete, but life is a constant growth. Having an aim does not discount the essence of now. A journey is a spiritual quest and it is not so much about arriving but rather, to be at and to appreciate every moment of the journey.

So, arriving home with a contented outlook on my life, I was depressed by the frequently unhappy lives of those who are burdened by the need to live up to societal expectation, the conditioning that one cannot break away from the norm, that life has to be structured and uniform. That we have become human doing and not being. Day in and day out, we have forgotten to 'be' but constantly busied our lives with all the 'do's.

The familiarity of home had a strange flavour to it when the person itself is no longer who he was. I am no longer who I was. And therefore home is no longer a 'home' for me. The 3 years of nomadic life has shifted my sense of home from a fix geographical location, biological ties and old familiarity to a shifting reality.

And so the journey continue as I wander to nowhere...