After 5 years of wandering life, every part of me - my emotions, my senses and my intellect are telling me that its time to settle down. The loneliness is getting to me and my life need some changes.
When I left home, I constructed my identity as a traveller, backpacker and even a nomad. I embraced this new identity like a warm blanket on a wintry night. And after wearing it for 5 years, it has become one of those worn-out shirt that you get so comfortable with that you don't want to throw it out. I have become so used to being a traveller, a nomad that like most thing I began to take it for granted - this life on the road and the memorable experiences. I began to be complacent about my adventures and the enjoyment that I get out of it; reasoning that it is "my right" to have an amazing experience, it is "my right" that people should treat me with the utmost hospitality and generosity. I have lost the ability to appreciate the little and simple things in life.
My philosophy of life is "life is not measured by the amount of breath you take, but by the moments that take your breath away"... In these years of travelling, I have had so many moments that take my breath away, and now at times, I feel short of breath. Meaning to say that, with so many incredible experiences, incredible could become mandane and ordinary. And with each experience, I want more; the bar of expectation keeps rising higher to fulfill my need.
The signs started last year. Nothing seems to satisfy me as much as they did before. I think part of the reason I am now travelling through South America is to put to test whether I am really numb to this, of if the intensity of joy I get out of travelling has diminished.
Sadly it has.
This trip started in Salvador de Bahia in Brazil and after over 3 months, I reached the most southern city in the world, Ushuaia, Argentina. I have seen some really wonderful places and some unforgettable adventures. But what is vivid in my mind is not what I have seen but whom I have met. The people whom I had made some deep connection and with whom I shared experience, stayed in my memory. And I know I am craving for that, human connection. Not just a passing encounter, but something deeper and lasting. It has been a long while since I maintained a friendship for more than a year.
Loneliness is creeping up on me unnoticed. On this trip, I fell in love twice in 2 weeks at 2 different places. I am not a good guard of my own emotion, I let them loose and express them and live them to the full. That also means that I am open to hurt, rejection and broken heart. And that's what happened both times, and that left a devastating effect on me. It made me realised what is missing in my life - affection and companionship.
So here I am, in another crossed road in life where my identity is up for another makeover if I am willing to let the old one go. Unlike the last time where I was so ready to give up my old self, this time round, it is an identity that fits like a glove.. the only problem is that I don't need the glove anymore...