sense of belonging

What does it mean to belong? Every one of us was born with an instinct to be part of a community, that's human nature; or we could call it natural instinct. We belong to our family, to our community, to our circle of friends, to our culture and society... and this sense of belonging even extend to something less intrinsic, such as clubs and associations.

Why do you feel the need to belong? In this sense, we are not very different from other animal. We derived our identity through this sense of belonging. By belonging to a group, a community, it tells us who we are. If I belong to an Asian society, then my identity is an Asian, it completes me as I have got to feed this psychological, mental and emotional needs of mine. We are who we are by definition of the people we surround ourselves with; we see this clearly in some of the Hollywood movies: the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, etc.

Let's bring this idea home a little. Our identity is intrinsically tied to our family. It seems that there is no way to escape this bloodline; for example, my surname is my father's surname, in some culture, for example, the latin ones, the children also takes on the mother's surname. How many times have we heard "so, you are so and so's daughter/son! You look so much like your father/mother." As we grow up, we build our identity through belonging to every aspects of society and humanity on the blank pages of ourselves, and after 20 or so odd years, we become who we are today. The question I want to ask at this point is, are we happy about who we are?

Growing up with mix parentage, and in a society where it practice preferencial treatment to a race that I don't belong to help me to cultivate this sense of "never quite belong". And on top of that, being gay and catholic. I was pretty involved in the church activity and that really gave me a sense of belonging. But at night, when I switched off the light and the rest of the goody feeling, when it was just me and the very inner self of me, I felt really empty, because that is this part of me that wants to be recognised and released but my belief, or "my belonging" did not allow me to do so because by acknowledging my sexuality, it defied my belief. These 2 parts of me cannot coexist. So, for a long time, I was in perpetual conflict and denial. This as time goes by, feed and strengthen this sense of "not belonging".

So when I decided to leave my home, my country and my family. It is with an unconscious effort to find myself. Not to belong to any society, but rather, to find out who am I by not belonging to any. To find this intrinsic me, this me that isn't defined by the culture that I grew up in, by the family that nurtured and fostered me, and by the society that told me what to and what not to do. But, you know what? This is actually a paradox. Because we as a human being, living in this relative world, our meaning are defined by others. Who we are are define by who they are not.

Once, I walked through a park in Lisbon and saw old people sitting around and family strolling, I was strucked by a sudden sense of alienation. I felt that this "picture" in front of me doesn't belong to me; or should I say, I can never belong to this picture; the perfect example of human society.

From that day on, I accepted my identity of a traveller, a wanderer, a nomad. An outsider within this lonely planet, an alien among humanity.