Quicksand

Coming home after finding myself was supposed to be a sweet and rewarding experience. And it was for the first few weeks. I was confident and relaxed in the firm knowledge of who I was. Things were moving swimmingly; reunited with family and friends, immersed in the festivity and I was finally able to truly and fully rest after these long journeys. I felt like I was in a clear pool just treading water.

Then things got murkier and the water harder to tread. Friends and family started to ask me about my future, my plan. I had none nor was I in a hurry to have one. Couldn't I just rest for a while?

Soon the water started to pull me down. My parents' expectations on me, wanting me to be this and that, to be successful, to have the kind of life that they'd wanted for me - carbon-copy of their friends' sons' but better. Their expectations are like quicksand that is trying to swallow me under. I'm struggling to breath now.

And in the struggle, I have lost sight of who I am. The "I" that I knew has been corrupted by expectations that are hurled towards me, and to some degree I've started to think like them (you tend to synchronize with the people you surround yourself with).

Fear of losing myself, I went traveling again for 3 months. Hoping that would bring me back to the peaceful and self assured state I was at. But unfortunately it didn't; it only made me more confused; throwing me deeper into the limbo state that I find myself in right now.

On top of that, a break-up.

I felt like I was in hell the past 2 weeks; aimless, heart broken and not seeing a way out. I kept looking to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but the problem is when I don't know which direction I'm heading, I'm merely going round in circle and will never find my way out.

Instead of trying to search for the external light I should start letting my inner light burn. It's time to sit down and be quiet, meditate and seek the peace inside of me that has always been there, leading me and guiding me. I am feeling better now, seeing things clearer and getting back my motivation. So, although I'm still deep in the quicksand, I am holding onto a string of hope.