w@nder 2 nowhere

What's next?

2012-01-04T11:51:00.005-05:00

I've spent a few years in a Catholic seminary, traveled to 48 countries, lived in 7 of them, worked in a 5 star hotel as well as a street artist. Consider that I'm 38yo I think I've achieved quite a lot in my short life. But where I am today is the product of the decisions I've made.

8 years ago, in the middle of a promising career I made the decision to quit and left for the uncertainty of Europe. 2 years later when my visa was ending in England and I found a good paying job that might help me to get a work permit, I decided to turn it down and go to Spain. 3 years on, after living illegally in a country that I grew to love, I had a chance to apply for a residence permit. But I decided to not pursue it and went to South America. 2 and a half years later, a friend offered to marry me so that I could stay in Colombia. Once again I turned it down and left to come back to Malaysia.

I used to dislike making decision, it filled me with drag. I was afraid of making the "wrong" decision. But I've come to realise that there's no such thing as a "wrong" decision. Every decision comes with consequences. And as long as I'm ready to face these consequences, I'm ready to make the decision.

Decision doesn't equal solution. Each decision doesn't lead to a solution but rather a Pandora box with a set of variables. We make a decision and that set in motion something that we can and cannot foresee. This Pandora box of variables can be frightening; to the point of postponing the decision making process.

But it comes a time where I cannot postpone and procrastinate anymore. So here I am, once again in a crossroad where I have to make a decision. It's a new year. And a new chapter of my life is about to begin. I don't know what is to come or where I'm heading, but I'm ready to take the leap of faith once again.

Quicksand

2011-09-04T12:32:00.002-05:00

Coming home after finding myself was supposed to be a sweet and rewarding experience. And it was for the first few weeks. I was confident and relaxed in the firm knowledge of who I was. Things were moving swimmingly; reunited with family and friends, immersed in the festivity and I was finally able to truly and fully rest after these long journeys. I felt like I was in a clear pool just treading water.

Then things got murkier and the water harder to tread. Friends and family started to ask me about my future, my plan. I had none nor was I in a hurry to have one. Couldn't I just rest for a while?

Soon the water started to pull me down. My parents' expectations on me, wanting me to be this and that, to be successful, to have the kind of life that they'd wanted for me - carbon-copy of their friends' sons' but better. Their expectations are like quicksand that is trying to swallow me under. I'm struggling to breath now.

And in the struggle, I have lost sight of who I am. The "I" that I knew has been corrupted by expectations that are hurled towards me, and to some degree I've started to think like them (you tend to synchronize with the people you surround yourself with).

Fear of losing myself, I went traveling again for 3 months. Hoping that would bring me back to the peaceful and self assured state I was at. But unfortunately it didn't; it only made me more confused; throwing me deeper into the limbo state that I find myself in right now.

On top of that, a break-up.

I felt like I was in hell the past 2 weeks; aimless, heart broken and not seeing a way out. I kept looking to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but the problem is when I don't know which direction I'm heading, I'm merely going round in circle and will never find my way out.

Instead of trying to search for the external light I should start letting my inner light burn. It's time to sit down and be quiet, meditate and seek the peace inside of me that has always been there, leading me and guiding me. I am feeling better now, seeing things clearer and getting back my motivation. So, although I'm still deep in the quicksand, I am holding onto a string of hope.

The random act of kindness

2011-05-20T08:36:00.003-05:00

The sun was shinning and the temperature was rising in the tranquil back lane of Chiang Mai. I woke up with a mild diarrhea and was feeling depleted. It was a traveling day - an 8-hour bus ride to a mountain town near the Burmese border.

To be on the safe side I had a (microwaved) croissant for breakfast rather than the usual Tom Yum or any other coconut milk concoctions. After packing and checking out, I hurled my 10kg backpack on my back and went in search of a tuk-tuk to take me to the bus station.

Minutes before the bus was to depart, I went to buy a bottle of water. As in most bus stations, everything was overpriced. So I walked further and finally found the cheap bottle I was looking for. It cost 5 bath but I only had 100 bath. The mother and son who ran the simple shop looked imploringly at me for smaller change but I had none. The son sent by his mother trudged through the flooded road to find someone who could change a 100 bath but came back empty-handed. I felt bad for causing them the trouble. The son told the mother who was cooking that he couldn't get change, then they said something to each other and then they gave me back my 100 bath with an apologetic look.

I understood. I was grateful that they went through the trouble for 5 bath and for a foreigner. As I put the note back into my wallet and started to walk away, they called out to me, urgently and pleadingly. I turned back wandering if I left something or did something wrong. But the son took the bottle of water and gave it to me. I looked at the son then at the mother, taking a while to register that they were giving it to me for free. I tried to protest but they insisted. The son holding the bottle with his outstretched arms nodding for me to take it. I looked them both in the eyes and said the most sincere and heartfelt "korp kun karp" (thank you in Thai) I could mustered.

In all my 7 years of travel, it never ceases to amaze me how generous people can be to stranger.

I remembered on a bus ride in Turkey, I met a family who invited me to their home in a village in the middle of nowhere. It was a small farm house where I slept in the kitchen floor. They were poor farmers but hey slaughtered the chicken, cooked some delicious dishes and made a feast for me. We chatted, albeit with some language difficulty, and I played with the children under the starry sky. There was no electricity and when the fire died, it was pitch black except for the little light that came from the moon. What prompted them to treat me, a stranger, with such kindness? There was no way I could repay them. I could not give them money for that would be rude, so I went to the small ration shop and bought them something and sweets for the kids.

Another time in Syria. A poor school teacher invited me and a friend to his humble home and in our honor his wife cooked for us and he went and bought a roast chicken. We ate while his wife and 5 children hid behind the curtain and watched us. I knew that it was an extravagant meal for this poor family and tried to leave as much of the chicken for the family, but the father wouldn't hear of it and kept putting pieces of chicken on our plates. With his basic English and our non-existent Arabic, we managed to chat. And I learnt about him and his family. He became a person to me rather than just a kind Arabic man I'd met in Syria. On that day, I'd also learnt that kindness is blind. It doesn't see creed nor nationality.

So with the bottle of water in my hand I walked back to the bus a little stunned still. When I sat down, I realized that my eyes were moist. I closed my eyes and said a prayer of thanks and asking god and the universe to bless this mother and son who had shown so much kindness to a stranger.

Although that didn't make my diarrhea go away nor gave me more energy, it did however make me feel good, really good. I guess there are people who don't measure everything with monetary gain or loss. That kindness itself is the greatest reward. And those of us, like me on this day, are at the receiving end of kindness, the best we could do is to pay it forward.

Mark Twain said that "kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see", I'll add on "it is also a language which the stranger feels welcomed and the lonely feels loved."

Home

2011-04-13T00:44:00.002-05:00

It was February 2004. I hugged and said goodbye to my parents at the Brunei airport and thus began my dream of traveling around the world.

I've been to many countries, even lived and worked in some of them. But mostly just a temporary base, a place for me to recuperate, save and plan for my next journey. I've never had a home; In the full sense that the word denote.

I've changed; I actually set out to change myself, my identity; like a blank paper to be filled with all the experiences, perspectives, ideas, etc. I could have and at the end to be the sum of all these experiences. I've done that. And I can honestly say that I am happy with who I am today. I am by no means perfect but I'm contented.

After being on the road for so long, I thought I have all I could want to have. But at the beginning of last year, a thought started to nag at me, the very thing that I have never had all these time, the idea of home.

I was almost always able to find a sense of belonging wherever I was; I could relax and recuperate at any place; all I need is a spot and I could find my center and feel at home. But the whole of last year, I had difficulty in doing that. I could rest physically but not mentally and emotionally.

So I made the decision.

It was January 27 2011, I came home.

Oh sure, I came back at the end of 2006. But that was like a visit and I was off again after a short 2 weeks. Now, I have no place to go. I am home...

... after 7 years.

It's so comfortable and relax; everything seems so easy and familiar. It's so nice to reconnect with my family and friends. I don't even have to do anything and they accept me for who I am. I don't have to start from scratch like I did in the cities where I decided to live and work. The sense of euphoria was compounded by the festivity of Chinese New Year and I truly enjoyed my first month back.

Then reality set in. Family politics began and I started to hear stories, not so nice stories about who did what and to whom, etc. The honeymoon period is over. I began to see flaws, flaws that I had known before but didn't have to deal with for a long time. And in these 7 years most of the relationships I had were temporary or long distant, if I had problem with someone or if I didn't like something, I could just walk away, start anew in a different place and start new friendship. But how can I run away from family. I have to learn to deal with them and they have to learn to deal with me. No more escape.

I feel that this trip home has a lesson for me - love. I need to learn to love others in their goodness and imperfection. I've spent so much time alone, looking out only for me, that it's going to take a huge effort for me to start to think about others and their needs.

On top of that, I find myself in a relationship!!! So, here I am, learning once again to love another person and let myself be loved by him.

So how do I love when I don't have to earn their loves in return and when these loves are given voluntarily, selflessly and unquestionably? And how do I love when there are flaws and imperfections?

There's only one place to learn about love, so here I am, home.

I love you, I love you not

2011-02-06T10:08:00.006-05:00

"Te quiero (I love you)" he said to me when I was leaving Colombia...

Growing up, I was a hopeless romantic: candle light dinner, roses, watching sunset, etc. I dreamed of finding Mr. Right, that perfect someone who was meant for me, who was going to fulfill all my needs.

I don't have a very normal childhood. I practically grew up in the Catholic church; I spent lots of my free time there. So it was logical that after finishing my high school, instead of continuing my education in university, I went to the seminary to be a priest. It was an amazing period of my life; I used to be very shy and had low self esteem, but then I became more open, confident and outgoing. And I thought that was it - my life. I was the epitome of holiness and devotion; parents wanted their children to be like me, priests called me brother and I had teenagers looked up to me, etc. But at night, when the lights were turned off and I was alone in my room, that's when the tears started coming, that's when the emptiness from deep down crept up and tore away all the happy facade and the smiling mask I was wearing. I cried because I could not reconciled my faith and my sexuality, and the longing to love and be loved by someone.

I spent my twenties looking for that someone that I left the seminary for. Now I'm almost 38 and I only have a 1-year relationship and a 3-month long distance relationship to show for. I used to fall in love very easily and therefore got hurt deeply and regularly. Looking at others, I always felt that I missed out on this: to be in relationships.

While traveling, I had often said that if I found the right guy, I would give up traveling and stay on to give the relationship a realistic chance to develop. I have met travelers who met their partners while traveling, so it's not unrealistic to hope that I would be one of them. But then, it wasn't to be. Lucky or unlucky is relative. Seriously thinking about it, would I really give up traveling?

I realised that it's quite impossible to find ONE person that is everything to you; it's a huge expectation for just ONE person to fulfill ALL my needs; it's a very high order, don't you think? Moreover in our modern days. So, why not have a few relationships going on at the same time. I don't want a boyfriend but rather a few boyfriends. It's not an open relationship as such, but rather a few open relationships.

... So I said to him, "te quiero mucho tambien (I love you very much too)". And I left.

Ghost of Christmas

2010-12-25T01:10:00.003-05:00

It's that time of the year again. Christmas used to be a very special time for me. It was one of the busiest time when I was with the Catholic church, what with going from house to house singing Christmas carols, getting the altar boys ready for the midnight mass and getting the church decorated for one of the most festive of its fest days. And like most kids growing bombarded with western idea of Christmas, I dreamt of a white Christmas too, of families gathered around the fireplace and Christmas trees surrounded by family and loved ones.

Eventhough I had left the church and Christmas has no other meaning than commercial, I still felt that at this time I would love to be among loved ones. These 7 christmases past hadn't exactly fulfilled that wish and at times I felt that I had sacrificed a lot in the pursue of my travel. Somehow one way or another, I still ended up with some friends somehow; 2 years ago it was a group of backpackers thrown together by fate in the same hostel in world's southern most city. Last year it was with a couple of friends that I had just made as I had just arrived in Colombia. I was never alone, I guess subconsciously I was afraid to be alone at this time of year, even guilty as if I'm not holding up my side of a societal bargain.

This Christmas however I am alone. And I'm ok with it. Strange... maybe I'm finally at peace with solitude. Maybe I don't care about others' expectations. Maybe I've stopped feeling sorry for myself. Walking down the streets I can sense the christmas-ness in the air, and I see happy faces carrying their shopping bags walking hand in hand, etc. I don't feel the need to partake in their ritual, I don't feel that I'm being left out, nor do I feel the joy and excitment of this festivity. I just feel... normal. Strangely I guess that's how vampires feel when they walk among humans, alike yet apart.

Do I want to be somewhere else? No, I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's a Christmas where I can strip down to basic... I walked into a church today just in time to hear the priest said the consecretion prayer and I automatically said "amen". Habit dies hard; and one of my habit at this time of the year is writing emails to all my friends, a rare time where I allow myself to travel down memory lane and be nostalgic. A Christmas present for me... from me.

Merry Christmas everyone

Neither here nor there

2010-10-10T22:03:00.003-05:00

When I told people that I've been on the road for 7 years, most were surprised and shocked. "How could you spend such a long time away from your family? Don't you miss home?" and the occasional "Why?" were not uncommon. But the answer isn't a straight forward one in my case. I knew the reason why I left in the beginning, self-discovery, adventures, etc. But the reason has changed over the year; otherwise I would have achieved what I had set out to do and then would have gone home.

But one step led to another, one phase to the next. And I am still travelling. I still define myself as a traveller, a nomad and a pilgrim on the road. And the road has become my life.

The problem with this wandering lifestyle is just that, WANDERING. A non stop moving from one place to another, from one state to another, from one identity to another. Sooner or later I will be tired, exhausted and burnt out. And that's where I am at when I got to Colombia last year. After travelling, hitch-hiking, camping, trekking and couchsurfing (www.couchsurfing.org) through most of South America for a year I was ready to stop. But stopping in a deeper sense of the word, like settling.

I was ready, or so I thought. I began looking for proper job that would give me some kind of stability and also at the look out for that someone to fill the void I had left empty in all these years. I would say I was almost desperate, and felt wound up like an old toy ready to explode. I gave my all in both endeavours; labouring profusely to find fulfilment in them. And after almost a year of trying, I came a full circle empty handed. No love and no money. I was defeated.

But once I accepted it and let it go I felt liberated. Liberated from the idea of wanting to settle down. The idea of wanting to be like everyone else and belong to somewhere or something. I was in love with the idea of being in love. I wanted what everyone else is having. Then the more I come to know myself and see myself and my "needs", I realised that it just isn't me, for now. I have not gotten to that phase yet, and am not sure if I have it in me to get there. The more I learn about myself and the more I look at what the society has to offer, I feel very claustrophobic just thinking about living a socially conditioned life.

Sometimes the sense of not belonging is over powering. We live in a world where we make sense of things by defining what it is not. So I am making sense of who I am by knowing who I am not? We will never truly know who we are because we are evolving all the times, those that are unhappy are those that don't want to evolve because they don't want to give up, surrender. I guess I'll never know who am I, maybe I am just a pilgrim of life.

Present: a present

2010-02-20T18:14:00.011-05:00

"La vida es un regalo - Life is a gift and we can do with it as we wish." Said a random lady on the street.

So if this life we have is a gift then we can do with it as we wish, right? Wrong. We were brought up to believe that there is a set of codes and rules as to how this "gift" should be used. We live in a society where everyone is following this set of code of living and so we take it as the "right" way to live, to enjoy this gift. When we give present to someone, we don't tell them how they should use it. We relinquish the right and the reciever has the complete freedom as how he or she would like to use the gift. No one lives righter than the other. The rich doesn't have a more correct life than the poor. Nor does a vagabond lead a better life than a politician.

Growing up in an uptight Asian society, I was always bombarded by the idea that life is a routine, like a train track, everything is arranged, all I have to do is get on the track; Get a good education, get a career, buy a house and spend the rest of my life paying off the mortgage and wait for retirement. That's the RIGHT way to live! I had always find that very suffocating. I tried, honestly I did, but there's no way I could live like that. That's why I suffer from depression when I was growing up. If that's what my life is to be, then what's the point of living if I already known the end.

Now, looking back at that life, it all seems light years away. I have been living a kind of ephemeral existence where the present is all that counts ever since I left home. My family and most people think that I am wasting my time; everytime I call home, the very first question ask of me is a variant "when are you coming home/settling down?" Of course they think that I am not living correctly, wasting my university degree, my youth, my potential and my future. But this is my gift, I think I have the right to live it the way I see righ and that gives me the most happiness.

Life is fleeting, we are not born with a guarantee to live to a certain age. No one can say when this journey will end. Life is only meaningful when you live it in the present. So why not enjoy the present, after all this is all we've got.

If I could live my life over again
I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax. I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments and if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments.
One after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I've been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoast and a parachute.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter next time.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies...
- Nadine Stari -

The incredible lightness of being

2009-12-29T16:24:00.008-05:00

Everytime I call home and talk to mum and dad, I sense that they are really disappointed in me; "why couldn't our son be 'normal' like others?" must be swimming in their heads. I also know for a fact that they are ashamed to tell their friends their son is a wanderer, a bum. My having travelled to over 40 countries, lived in some of them, had experienced that most people only dreamt or read about, etc mean nothing to them. In the beginning, I longed for them to appreciate and recognise what I am doing, I wanted them to be proud of me. But I know that that would never be the case and I had also grown to accept the fact that I will always be the black sheep of the family. And now I carry this title proudly without a tinge of regret nor disappointment. I have come to let go of living up to people's expectations.

A lot of people have said to me that what I am doing is admirable, a lot of them wished they could do it too. In the beginning I used to say to them "Do it! If I can, you can too." But then I realised that we are all different, we find our happiness in very different ways. For some, the freedom on the road could be more of a burden, we were never taught how to deal with such a freedom so most of us are lost when we encounter it. And I guess that's why we sometimes live vicariously through the adventures of others.

In November, I was interviewed almost at the same time by 2 different persons. First was a journalist for a spanish newspaper, El Mundo, whom I met 3 times in our journeys through South America.
http://www.elmundo.es/elmundo/2009/11/29/sudamerica/1259503623.html (in spanish)

Second was by a very good friend who has started his own website for independent-minded travellers.
http://gomadnomad.com/2009/12/28/interview-with-an-international-nomad/

Both articles are now published and I have had my *insert apropriate number of minute* of fame. And I think and hope that both are being recieved positively, maybe through these others can live vicariously through me. But hopefully they inspire them to think and reexam their life. To stop saying "I wish I could do that," instead really take the first step in a following their dreams, like I did 6 years ago.

When I was leaving home, I had a long conversation with one of my then good friend. He told me that he dreamt of leaving a legacy behind when he dies, however "nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable." I only dream of having as much experience I can get out of this life as possible and leave as lightly as I have arrived. From dust I came and to dust I shall return.

Going from nowhere to nowhere

2009-12-18T16:37:00.007-05:00

16 months ago when I bought a one way ticket from Madrid, Spain to Salvador de Bahia, Brazil, I didn't expect to be in this continent for a long time, actually I didn't really expect anything, just wanted to leave and go with the flow and see where the road would lead me. But to be honest, in the first few months, I was thinking that it would just be another one of those trips that I did, 2 to 3 months on the road and then go back to Spain.

But one step at a time, one country after another, and now 1 year-4 months and 6 countries later, I find myself still wandering in this continent. And the end is not in sight. Quite to the contrary, I am thinking of staying here for a while.

I never thought that I could travel almost non stop for this long a period. I had always thought that my limit was 4 months top. But this 16 months have prove to me that limits are there to be overcome. Although being on the road for this long has its physical, emotional and mental tolls, it is through understanding and overcoming my limits and being in an uncomfortable state that I can begin to learn about myself; the not so nice side of myself, my imperfections. And then learn to embrace me for me, in all my goodness and imperfections. And when I can truly do that, then I am truly free.

While trekking through the pristine landscape of Torres del Paine in Chile, I explored my physical limit in terms of endurance to cold and tough conditions. And while hitch-hiking up the Carretera Austral, Chile, it was a test of solitude. I have never felt so alone, there were a few times where I was left in a crossroad where there was no sign of any human being, nor their settlement. I felt I was the only person in the world. Also at that time I was going through a very difficult period emotionally. I was feeling extremely lonely. I thought that I was ok being alone and not having friends by my side at all times, I thought that I was stronger in my emotional state, but again I was brought down to see that I should never take anything for granted. I still have a lot to learn about solitude.

This year has been a year of many self discovery. I learnt again the neccesity of deconstructing my identity. No matter how much I have grown to like or habitate in one, I cannot deny the fact that change is the only constant in life. And to evolve with change is the only way I can keep my sanity and this fleeting sense of contentment and happiness that we all long for.

Now that I have chosen to settle in Colombia for a while. I have to start from zero again. Looking for work, house and friends. The novelty of being in a new place and starting a new is wearing off. It is a vicious cycle that I want to jump out of, but the question is into what? What's on offer in the society I want no part in. So then what? What's the alternative? What are the options? To go back to a society that I don't believe in and a life that's identical to everyone else? I rather enjoy this current melancholy limbo.

Poems

2009-04-05T19:04:00.005-05:00

Undecided
I Heard my name called
by the east wind
where the sun rises
behind the celestial mountain
by the west wind
where the moon shines
beyond the mysterious water

Like a cloud
blown this way and that
taking shapeless form
undecided, torn
like a ship
lost in the vast ocean of choice
compassless

***************************
The Road
I have walked many roads
flat and long
winding and straight
up and down
I have walked in many shoes
shining and common
used and worn
new and untested
The paths greet me
with embraces
with punches
with kisses
I am still walking
slowly
running
stop
Then I ask myself
Where am I going

Family tie

2009-03-11T22:42:00.007-05:00

"You are really selfish!"

This would never hurt so much if it isn't said by one's mother. During our last tele-conversation, hearing that word felt like a bland crocked knife drove through my flesh and lodged itself in my heart and the tone of her voice, gave that knife a mighty twist.

What prompted such an outburst from an otherwise loving and dotting mum was my unwillingness to settle down, to have a "normal" life, a career, get married and give her grand children... And my wanting to lead this nomadic life, this "aimless" wandering and doing "nothing" to my life. Growing up, I was bombarded everywhere around me with the idea of a life like that of everyone else: education-career-marriage-children-retirement, I was brought up to compete with everyone else, with my siblings, my cousins, the neighbour's child, my father's secretary's sister's child. Phrases like "your sister just bought a new car" or "your cousin just bought a house" or "you know the so-and-so son just got promoted" are not uncommon, they are meant to encourage me to achieve higher goal, but those kind of comment just push me further away from wanting to have anything to do with that kind of idealogy.

I love my family, I used to be a mummy's boy, that's enough said. I grew up in a huge and united family, always surrounded by uncles, aunties, cousins and grandparents, from both sides. But something changed. People always asked me how do I feel being away from my family for such a long time. My answer has always been as long as I know that they are fine and healthy, that's enough for me. How do I get to this stage of detachment from my family?

Death.

The death of my grandmother, whom I loved and was an anchor to the family, I had the ilusion that she would always be there. But life has a lesson for me, a painful but necessary lesson - To let go. These last few years I have been trying to learn to "let go"; to let go of expectation, to let go of all things: ties, emotions that bind us. Because nothing is permanent, not even family, nor their love, nor the ties.

I would like to say that I am above the emotion that "family" evokes in me, that I am not bound by my love, nor by duty, not even guilt, to do thing one way or another just because of this concept of family that we were brought up to believe to be the fundamental truth. I would like to say that I am beyond that truth. There's no such thing as absolute truth, everything is relative.

I love my parents and my family, but I don't have to show it in a societal-dictated way. The manifestation of my affection doesn't have to be limited or constructed under a rigid rules and regulation, or bound by physical and geographical distances.

Knowing my parents, and most people for that matter, they would beg to differ. So maybe my mum is right, that I am really one selfish bastard who lives his life free of ties, like a prisoner set free... like a lunatic let loose... but one free and happy lunatic, nonetheless.

Identitidefying

2009-01-04T22:54:00.007-05:00

After 5 years of wandering life, every part of me - my emotions, my senses and my intellect are telling me that its time to settle down. The loneliness is getting to me and my life need some changes.

When I left home, I constructed my identity as a traveller, backpacker and even a nomad. I embraced this new identity like a warm blanket on a wintry night. And after wearing it for 5 years, it has become one of those worn-out shirt that you get so comfortable with that you don't want to throw it out. I have become so used to being a traveller, a nomad that like most thing I began to take it for granted - this life on the road and the memorable experiences. I began to be complacent about my adventures and the enjoyment that I get out of it; reasoning that it is "my right" to have an amazing experience, it is "my right" that people should treat me with the utmost hospitality and generosity. I have lost the ability to appreciate the little and simple things in life.

My philosophy of life is "life is not measured by the amount of breath you take, but by the moments that take your breath away"... In these years of travelling, I have had so many moments that take my breath away, and now at times, I feel short of breath. Meaning to say that, with so many incredible experiences, incredible could become mandane and ordinary. And with each experience, I want more; the bar of expectation keeps rising higher to fulfill my need.

The signs started last year. Nothing seems to satisfy me as much as they did before. I think part of the reason I am now travelling through South America is to put to test whether I am really numb to this, of if the intensity of joy I get out of travelling has diminished.

Sadly it has.

This trip started in Salvador de Bahia in Brazil and after over 3 months, I reached the most southern city in the world, Ushuaia, Argentina. I have seen some really wonderful places and some unforgettable adventures. But what is vivid in my mind is not what I have seen but whom I have met. The people whom I had made some deep connection and with whom I shared experience, stayed in my memory. And I know I am craving for that, human connection. Not just a passing encounter, but something deeper and lasting. It has been a long while since I maintained a friendship for more than a year.

Loneliness is creeping up on me unnoticed. On this trip, I fell in love twice in 2 weeks at 2 different places. I am not a good guard of my own emotion, I let them loose and express them and live them to the full. That also means that I am open to hurt, rejection and broken heart. And that's what happened both times, and that left a devastating effect on me. It made me realised what is missing in my life - affection and companionship.

So here I am, in another crossed road in life where my identity is up for another makeover if I am willing to let the old one go. Unlike the last time where I was so ready to give up my old self, this time round, it is an identity that fits like a glove.. the only problem is that I don't need the glove anymore...

The road least travel

2008-10-02T09:07:00.010-05:00

This whole year I was confronted with a very important choice: staying in Spain and get a European residency, or starting a whole new chapter of my life in South America. Staying, promises stability and comfortability. Leaving, promises nothing but an unending road of self discovery and life experiences. I finally made the difficult decision. It took me a long long time to decide. Even after I bought my flight ticket, I was still considering changing my mind.

Remember I spoke about the universe conspires to help us if we follow our destiny? Well, the decision of leaving Spain presents 2 problems. I have an 8 months old entry stamp on my passport that was very visible for any half-witted immigration officer to realise that I have overstayed. And I only bought a one-way ticket to Brazil and risk them rejecting my entry. I was worry, very worry until the day of my departure. But unbeknown to me, the universe was working to help me. When I went to check-in at Madrid airport, the airline issue me a fake return ticket to fool the Brazilian immigration. Later, when I walked nervously to the Spanish immigration counter, the officer was more interested in reading his newspaper than checking my passport, and I got an exit stamp! Oh My God! or Gaia! or whoever! Never in my wildest dream, did I dream that things would work out so smoothly. So, the road is pathed for me.

Last summer when I was in the Jordanian desert of Wadi Rum, under the desert starry night sky, I met an Italian who read the tarot card for me. It said that if I remain in Europe, life would be easy, comfortable and secured. And that's what I had and would have had if I stay in Madrid. If I stay and get the residency, life would be easy and predictable. But if I go to South America, the card said, I would have a spiritual breakthrough. What kind of breakthrough, I do not know. I have learnt to let go, to habour no expectation. I have no more anchor to hold me back in experiencing life, I am as blank as a new book for the universe and myself to write a story upon my life.

Some may say that tarot card is nothing but mumbo-jambo. But if we have a chanced meeting, please ask me to tell you my first exprience with it on the Camino de Santiago. All my encounter with tarot card has not been my intention to set out to seek it but rather, it seeked me.

It was really hard to leave Spain, or Europe for that matter. But once I left, it was much easier to move on. Europe was my home for the last 5 years and now once again I find myself homeless. I don't know how long I will be on the road or where my next home will be. So, I walk this path into the unknown.

".... I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference"
by Robert Frost

Dream on

2008-08-15T16:28:00.013-05:00

As a boy growing up in the other corner of the world, reading books and watching movies about people who backpacked the world, it ingrained in my brain the romantic idea of this lifestyle; of carefree, freedom, forming friendships, meeting interesting people, seeing the world.

I owed it a lot to the book ‘Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho. The main message for me was that “when you follow your destiny, the universe conspires to help you”. Carrying this belief in my heart, I packed my bag and left home. Taking the very first step in the new and completely different chapter of my life. (Actually it is a completely different book).

I am a late started, as backpacking goes. The first time I really backpacked was 1 month after my 31st birthday. I remember I was very excited and scared at the same time, but I embraced the identity of a backpacker whole-heartedly without any reservation. I stayed in youth hostel, met other backpackers, exchanged stories, formed instant friendship, explored countries and cities dictated by "the bible" - Lonelyplanet, etc. This was what I had dreamt of. This was my destiny.

What is this life on the road? It is a total surrendering and letting go of all educations and conditionings that I was brought up to believe in and act on. It means being weird and strange. It also means not-belonging, marginalised and misunderstood.

But, if it is such a negative thing, what attracts me so much to it? I guess it gives me a kind of freedom that life otherwise seems to be devoid of. It is this freedom that freed me to experience life at its very basic level and to see the beauties of both geographical and human. If I had chosen to lead a “normal”, societal-dictated lifestyle, I would never had had some of the most amazing experiences of my life: Have you ever been invited by a stranger to his house to share his food, and eventhough he has less than you, would not accept any compensation? Or sharing sleeping place on the floor of a train station with some homeless people who made you feel at home? Or find that instant, deep connection with someone from a completely different background just because you are at the right place at the right time?

I know the risk of living life on the road; I was almost robbed countless of times, been cheated by trouts, been sent in the wrong directions, etc... These are the normal thing in the life of a backpacker, but never in any moment I fear for my life. There’s a deep-seated reassurance that things would eventually right itself. You can call it instinct. I call it letting go and trust in the universe.

A sense of deep contentment settled in my soul everytime I am on the road. The kind of contentment that money cannot buy, and status cannot achieve. It is only found in the simplicity of life, the giving of and letting go of oneself.

I cannot say whether this will be the way of life for me for the rest of my life. But all I know is that these 5 years of life on the road is the one that I have lived to the fullest! And should it all end right now, I would have no regret. Because I have lived my life in the way that bring me a sense of contentment that few people have experienced in their long drown-out lives. And I have stopped measuring life the way we were taught by society; longevity, wealth, etc. It all sum up very nicely by the philosophy of life that I try to live by:

"Life is not measured by the amount of breath you take, but by the moments that take your breath away"

My feeble attempt at friendship

2008-08-07T18:23:00.007-05:00

“Hey Noel, want to come over and play?” Shouted Vincent through the wired fence. I ran to my grandma and asked for her permission. She shook her head. “My grandma says no” I shouted back disappointingly.

This is my earliest memory of friendship. Vincent and I were around 4 years old and he lived 2 houses away. We went to kindergarten together and I always bullied him in carrying my bag and we would come home singing some nursery rhyme in our dirtied uniforms to the dismayed smiled of our families. And spent most of the days playing together. In the era before video games and computer, the world was our playground and the only limitation was our imagination. Those were beautiful times.

I can’t remember how we first met. Nor do I remember how long we were friends before Vincent’s father was transferred away and we lost contact. I can’t even remember the day he left nor how we said goodbye. It must have been difficult. But you know kids, we get over it.

Growing up, I was always a quiet type. Surrounded by a rather big and extended family and with my parents and grandmother dotted on me. I thought I didn’t need any friend. But there was always a void inside. I remember wishing I had a good friend with whom I could play and share. I envied those friendships I read about in books and saw on TV. I wished I had one. I kept reminiscent about the friendship with Vincent, fooling myself that that was my one and only good friend in my life.

I wasn’t very lucky in this aspect of my life. I did have friends in school but they were just friends, and I was just one of their friends. I never found a strong personal connection with any of them; neither in Primary school nor in Secondary school.

This was compounded by the fact that somehow deep inside I knew I was different. I discovered my sexuality when I was about 13 or 14. With no one to turn to, I buried it deep down and never really explored it. But the realisation of it made me an outsider of my circle of friends because I would be labelled “weird” and “abnormal”.

In my late teens, I became very involved with the Catholic church and actually found my calling there. I excelled with my life in the church. I became more extroverted, outgoing and even funny. That brought me a lot of friendships. We shared the same indentity and same goal. And because of that I began to open up, sharing my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams, my problems and my difficulties with those closed to me. To them, I was almost the pillar and an example of holiness. But at night, when I was alone in bed, after the light was off, silent screams would crept out of my mouth buried in the pillow, tears welled up and started flowing uncontrollably. I would asked this Catholic God, WHY? over and over again, banging my head on the wall until the pain was gone or I became too exhausted and fell asleep.

Not being able to reconcile my faith, which was the meaning of my existence, and my sexuality, which was the nature of my being, I was rather reluctant to open myself up to friends. Because I didn’t want them to see the “monster” inside, the "sickness" that I was. I wasn't able to accept myself for who I was because all around me, people and system told me how to live and how to behave and they dictate who I was.

That was what led me to abandon my home and set out on the road to self discovery. Travelling around, moving from one place to another allow me to know many people, some became friends, others were merely passerbys. It was with real ease that I approach, chat and make friends.

Having accepted myself for who I am, it is so much easier to make friends. I do not have to hide behind masks, pretending to be what people want me to be, no more expectations. And though we merely spent a few days, at the most, with each other, some bond of friendships are stronger than a lot that I have known.

But the moment I settled down, established a longer term friendships, I collapsed. I collapsed under their expectations, the setting of boundaries, I have to behave in a certain, socially acceptable ways. I am no longer playing by my rule but it is in the co-existence that I found complication. I feel like a bird whose wings have been clipped, suffocation become the air I breath. When that happen, I usually fold up and let the friendship go. Because the commitment involved is too much and time consuming.

However, some friendships I hang on to because they are too precious for me to let go. And it is in these friendships that I learn about me and how I behave. It is simple, really, like fishing: when there’s a fish on the line, you have to pull a little, then let it go a little, then pull again. This tug of war will ensure eventually the fish ends in your hand. And that’s how friendship works for me, I think.

I remember a cartoon strip I once saw: a newly-wed couple asked an old couple how they kept their love and passion alive after so many years, and the old couple replied that a relationship is like 2 logs in the fireplace, they need to be close yet far apart enough to let oxygen in to keep the fire burning.

If I want you close, I have to let you go...

lucky bastard

2008-07-22T14:11:00.003-05:00

"You are really luck!" She said to me as she washed and massaged my head. She, a middle aged married Chinese woman who left her country and family to earn better money; but the lack of education has impeded her opportunity.

I have never thought of myself as lucky. Growing up in a middle class family with dotting parents and a rather normal life, albeit a bit boring and bland at times (now that I think about it, haha...). Of course, there were times that I wished I had a better (read: different) life. I grew up comparing... almost everything, parents, friends, statues, etc. I wished I was someone else, the handsome guy or the rich man's son in the movie I just saw, the brain of the family. I measured myself with the standard of the world and I didn't live up to it, not by miles.

Interestingly enough, it was in the Catholic church that I found refuge, in God's embrace that I found acceptance. I learnt to see who I am through a different set of eyes, I learnt to accept my gifts and my defects. I learnt to love myself. I crawled out of a shell into the blinding light of the sun and let my old self be washed away by the pouring of the monsoon. I became me.

But all these in the expense of education. I chose to serve the church right after my secondary education rather than followed the "normal" path of continuing my education. But thanks to the relentless persistence of my parents, I finally got myself an education. And thanks to the years working for the church; the detachment allowed me to look at myself and what I really want to study, a chance which not many people have.

And with this education, some doors were opened to me and had therefore given me a lot of opportunity. I have met lots of intelligent people who don't have a university qualification and therefore missed out in many chances. Education became such an important part of our survival, our being... since when did we start to measure a person's worth by their education?

With these events, and not being en-sync with the flow of the world, allowed me to know myself deeper and see things in a very different perspective. And I chose to go down a path of unknown, a path where I learn to discover myself, away from my culture, my family, familiar setting... We know that we are what our background, culture and family made us. And if we take away these equations, who are we? Does memory equal identity?

The last 4.5 years of life on the road helped me to discovery a lot about myself and surprisingly I am happy to be who I am today... without any dragging identity, irreconcilable differences between what you feel and what you know, past guilt, worrysome future... I may lead a very simple, "aimless" life, but it is this day to day, present living that gives meaning to me. And who I am today is the product of all my past so I have no regrets at all. I don't wish for things to be different anymore, I stop dreaming a different dream. I am content with myself.

So I guess I am a lucky bastard

Unsettle the settled

2008-07-21T11:36:00.004-05:00

By this September, I will have been living in Spain for 3 years. And legally I could apply for residency. That prospect tempts me and tortures me to no end; what with the possibility of living in Europe, which I love, legally and the possibility in the future of getting a European passport. How could I not be enticed?

It is a strange sensation. I claim no nationality, cultural and religious affiliation. Yet, the idea of settling down, having a "home" seems to appeal to be. Why? I have no answer to this question. I guess it is the idea of familiarity and comfort that appeal to me.

Like everyone else, I was brought up on a set and protected environment (as much as a normal environment provides). And so, it is very natural to want to be in this comfort zone; where you don't have to worry about anything, everything is easy... life becomes complacent. Who doesn't want that? We work our arse off our whole lives just so that we could retire and lead a fuss-free life. Right? Well, at least that's what the majority think and what the current society is promoting for everyone, regardless.

I have a bone to pick with this concept of living. That is, what happen if you don't make it to retirement? Would you then consider your life wasted? Unlived? The future is not something guaranteed. We don't have it saved in bank vault nor does life give us a warranty card for it. So, all we have is now, the present. So we should live the present.

Living the present means not fearing what the future will bring but appreciate what I have at the moment and not wanting more. And since my wanting to settle down steam from the fear of the future, I need to seriously ask myself if it is what I want now. If I would be happy doing the same thing I am doing the last 3 years, adapt myself to a culture that I like but don't quite belong to, become part of the "system" of society?

I guess not! Whether I choose to settle down now or not, the most important thing is to have a settled inner self. Once it is calm and peaceful inside, the outside will be guided to align and create the balance that life requires.

The outter manifestation is but a reflection of the inner expression.

I miss you...

2008-07-13T12:55:00.005-05:00

"I miss you from time to time." The message read.

What does it mean when you get this message from your ex? It meant a lot to me. It has been 1.5 years since we broke up but hard as I try, I have never been able to find a closure for this relationship. We were physically together for 3 days. 3 days!!! The intensity of these 3 days and the months that followed was something that I had never experienced before or since. If it is merely a crush and physical attraction, how could it last the test of time and distance?

A friend once asked, "what is it about him that you missed?" I searched and searched but couldn't come up with an answer.

A lot of the time, we try to find answer to our problems. We go out in search of answers with our mind already set. It is like going out with a small square box and try to find a rock that fit it exactly and perfectly. If they don't fit, we discard them and keep searching. The chances of finding something that fit perfectly is rather small, wouldn't you say?

Love is strange. But beautiful. It hurts me that this love could not be what I want it to be. But it is still a beautiful experience. Beauty has no goodness or badness. It is neither perfect nor imperfect. It just is.

Tide of change

2008-07-01T11:58:00.005-05:00

I am never a big fan of football. In 35 years of my life, I have only seen 4 full matches and the last 3 was the recently completed European Cup. For almost a week, I was caught in the frenzy of sensationalism as everyone around me were so fired up and excited about the game. And I let myself be carried along the current of the "Marea Rojo" (red tide). I shouted and raised my hand in ecstacy when Spain scored a goal. My heart pounded when Spain score and tightened when it miss. For the final, I went to one of my favourite tapas bar and surrounded by Spaniards, I went through a roller-coaster ride of emotion just like everyone else in the bar. And when the final whistle blew and Spain had won, I screamed with joy like a Spaniard.

But the euphoria was short-lived. As the multitud cladded in red shouted for joy and chanted, I suddenly felt that I had fell from a pedestal back to earth with a loud thud. One of the chant, "Yo soy español, español, español..." left me with a bitter taste in my mouth because I suddenly realised that I am not a spaniard. Although I have lived here for almost 3 years, I have never felt quite belong, in both small and big ways, I feel rejected by the society and the government. Excluded because I am not "one" of them; by race, by lifestyle and most importantly, by identity.

As I walked along the streets, I saw crowd gathered to celebrate the victory, euphoria hang in the air and people were dancing and chanting. I wish I could partake in their joy and excitment but I felt really detached. I wander whether this sense of detachment comes from a certain awareness, the ability to look at a situation (even with myself it in) from a distance. So, I can never identify myself to any external and collective identity.

In defining Nationalism, Wikipedia states that "nationality is the most important aspect of one's identity." That's a pretty strong statement to make, and a very generalising one too. Except for a small period in my youth where I felt this sense of pride for my land and the country I lived in, I have never felt a tremendous sense of nationalism. There are people who would kill in order to attain or preserve their nationality; wars have been fought on this ground through our human history. After leaving my hometown and being on the road and calling a place home regardless whether I have any shared identity with it, have made me lost touch with the idea of nationalism.

The society wants to understand us by putting us in a box and hope that we always remain in it. It makes everyone's job so much more easier. "Oh! You are Chinese, you must eat rice everyday!", "A Spanish? Hmm... do you do siesta in the afternoon?" We don't even make an effort to try to see the other person as an individual. And we are surprised when he or she doesn't behave according to the law of practice within the box of understanding.

We are always evolving, we can never be the same person we were yesterday. Most people change along the line of their national identity but I have decided to change without any anchor or safety; Threw myself to experience and let the current of life takes me to wherever, to the unknown.

So without "the most important aspect of my identity", who am I?

One of my favourite poem...

2008-06-17T10:48:00.002-05:00

Ithaca

As you set out for Ithaca
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you' ll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaca always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to make you rich.

Ithaca gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

K.Kavafis

the reality of my non-existence

2008-04-28T14:44:00.004-05:00

I left home more than 4 years ago and have been living a semi nomadic life. The thing about it is that I feel really comfortable with this insecured and wandering life... travel to many exotic places, meet wonderful people and live in amazing place... As uncertain as life is, I really enjoy every moment and appreciate everything that comes into my life, maybe because of it. And the most important feeling of all these, is that all these feel so natural! It feels weird to even say that it feels natural to be a normad.

However, if we look to the beginning of our human exitence (what we know), the early human beings are nomadic, then we became more land cultivators, so now our society is founded in this format and we are brought up to think that this is the only way of life there is.

I always thought that there is no other way but the way of our father and our father's father... but the problem is that I was never convinced and was always unhappy with what I was doing. I studied, got a good degree, found a good and promising job, but nothing could wipe away the emptiness that was gnawning at my inside. Making the decision to break away from the "reality" that I have known all my life was both difficult and easy; easy because I was ready to leave, difficult because I do not know the path that lays infront of me: the fear of the unknown.

I didn't like who I was because I felt that I was beginning to lose myself in the world, letting the society tells me who I was, trying to mould myself into the different boxes that society conditions us to comply. So I set out to search for myself, the essence of my being, not merely my identity.

But after taking the first step, the rest comes very easily. It was very hard at the beginning to try to establish myself. And just when I got things going for me, I had to leave. And the years of moving around have given me a lot of opportunity to meet interesting, simple and enlightened people but it also did not allow me to establish a permanent relation and that is one of the hardest. I have to be conscious of myself otherwise it is so easy to be drawn back into the vicious circle that society throws you into; money-work-expectation-pressure-etc; where everyone around you is worrying about their future, regretting about their past and missing out in the present. And now, I won't even cause a "beep" in the tangled radar of social tentacles; pension fund, social security, tax income, health care, etc. You can even say that I don't exist, a phantom, a shadow, a passerby in people's life.

But nothing feel more real to me than now.

Birthday wishes

2008-04-21T10:23:00.007-05:00

What does birthday mean? People say that it's a day where you celebrate the day of your birth. But why this day? Why not celebrate everyday... because life is a continuous event, if you take away any single day between your previous and current birthdays, you would not have reached the current birthday. In my opinion, everyday is a special day... yes, we do like to commemorate days and events, that's socially constructed behaviour.

That said, being the first born child in my family, my birthdays were celebrate with pomp and glee. It was really normal for me to have a family dinner, a cake and candles on this day. But on my 21st birthday, I realised that nothing I could do could surpass all the birthdays I had ever had until then, so with a stroke of ingenuity, I decided not to celebrate my birthday at all. And who would have known that that decision 14 years ago is still in effect today.

Friends often ask me why I don't want to celebrate this day and the most common question the day after is "how did you celebrate it?" The question I want to ask is, why is it such a big deal? I know it is a special day, the day of our birth... isn't it equally important the day of our conception? And if we are surrounded by family and friends, then there is a good reason to gather and have fun. But if you are alone?

I have been living a rather normadic life for the last 4 and half years. I like this lifestyle but the only setback is that it leaves me pretty alone and lonely some of the times. I have friends around the world but not many close to me in terms of geographical distance. And because everything in my life now is so temporary, I find it hard to RELATE to people. It is easy for me to make quick friendship, especially when I am travelling. Everything is so temporary; we are only together for a few days so it is easy to just see the beauty and goodness of the other person. But when I stay in one place, I get to know a person better, the novelty starts to wear off and I start to REALLY get to know the person... the goodness, the defects, etc just like any other person. That's the difficult part for me. I became impatient with myself and with the other person.

There's always one thing that I think about and wish for on my birthday, and that's love. I have been really unlucky in love so far in my life. 35 years without a real taste of a lasting love, that's quite tough to bear. But the more I reflect on myself, the more I realise that I am not ready for love. Even if it comes, I might not recognise it because I am only on the look out for perfection, without realising that love has a defective side too.

And to understand and experience love fully, I have to embrace the perfection as well as the defect... this is my birthday wish...

To judge or not to judge

2007-08-05T14:43:00.001-05:00

In respond to a discussion I had with a friend about bullfighting in Spain:

I understand what you are saying and why you are pressing the point. But I guess I didn't express myself very clearly and i think our understandings of the word "judge" are different. So I will restrain myself from using it..

Let's talk about bullfighting. I do not approve of it but it doesn't mean that I will go to the arena and start killing the people who are enjoying it. I do tell people that I don't like it and I don't think it's a sport nor an entertainment.. and if they derive pleasure from it (because of their tradition), then it's up to them.

Religion, I was a devoted Catholic and now I have seen the error of my behaviour in the past (condemning non christian to hell, etc), but I am not going to go to every Christian and tell them to leave that corrupted and controlling organisation. Because I know that no many people can do that, to just give up.. they need security, they need people to tell them what to do and they need people to assure them that when they die, there are better things awaiting them. (this derive from the hopelessness of present reality, but that's another topic we should discuss the next time)

I have always seen anti gay in the same league as racism. Both are things that you can't change and was condemned base on a certain idea and "teaching". So, of course I do not agree with it.. but will I judge it? Who am I to judge? if I take things into my own hand, i am no better than those gay-basher (because they take it into their own hand and forcing their idea upon the others)

Slavery, I strongly disagree with what they are doing.. In my opinion, this is wrong, very wrong.. However am I right as well to go over there and kill all the people whom I think it's wrong? I think that's what America is doing in Iraq.. because America feels that dictatorship isn't right (which I think it isn't too) and they decided to take things into their own hand and here we have our current iraq war. Are you in favour of the Iraq war then? I surely am not.

All I am saying is that, we all have our point of view, it is ok for us to have it and even to judge (i had to use it) others. But when we go beyond our bondary, we lost the very purpose of our action. Maybe I am a coward.. or maybe I am just a person who believe in diversity.

We are looking at issue from this point of view that is generally agreed upon in the modern world, such as Human Right, and all the other rights. So it is easy for us to "judge" things that are against them as wrong. And because of this, a lot of minority behaviour are therefore wrong as well. But what if, Islam is the world religion and Iraq or Iran is the superpower, don't you think that the reverse is true then?

Maybe I am not as noble as a lot of people.. but I do believe in different point of view.. and to understand it before condemning (that's different from judging)

time

2007-03-20T20:35:00.002-05:00

Einstein proposed that time is the fourth dimension. I can perceive the 3 dimensions world that we live in, but it is difficult for me to imagine a fourth dimension. That maybe because it is not something that I can visualise. We tend to only believe what we can see.

But unlike the other 3 dimensions, time cannot be manipulated nor charted. Or can it? Throughout human history we have been trying to manipulate and measure this element.

What is time then? Time is considered a kind of linear progression measured by the clock and the calendar. That it is unchangable and constantly moving. With no regards to anything else. It will not slow down when we are sad (though we might feel it it does) nor speed up when we are happy. It keeps moving from past to future. George Orwell once said "He who controls the present, controls the past. He who controls the past, controls the future."

Is there such thing as present then? Isn't it true that whatever just happened is already in the past and whatever is about to happen is still in the future? Is present the nanosecond THIS particular nanosecond? By wearing a watch and asking "what time is it?" do we therefore possess the present? There is no such thing as present. It is like trying to make and incision right where the past meets the future.

How about the past and the future? The past is something that has gone and the only way we know that it existed is through our memory. But our memory are prone to subjective influence. Did you ever realise that some of your old memory seems to be sweeter than the actual event? Then is the event real since it differs from the memory we have of it? Or the memory a lie since it doesn't coincide with the real event? How can we trust history? It is said that "history" is written by the winner. So there is no such thing as "real" history and therefore, no such thing as "real" past, either.

On the other hand, future is not even here yet. It is nothing but a hypothetical concept. How do you know there is such a thing before it actually happen? For example, we may have plan to do something in the future, say tomorrow. But what if we die before tomorrow. Doesn't that make tomorrow nothing but another illusion?

Then is the concept of "past, present and future" is nothing but an illusion that we created to lie to ourselves that we actually can possess time? This is what we want to do, right? To possess time. We run around all our lives, chasing time, complaining that we don't have enough time, etc.

Have we ever thought that time could be viewed in other way? That time could be a cyclical concept. The Indian mythology believes in the beginning point of time is also the ending point. In another word, there is no beginning nor end of time. This view is also echoed by Buddhism and other oriental philosophies. It is evident everywhere. For example, everyday begins as the sun rises and ends as the sun sets; even yearly seasons move in cycle: spring, summer, autumn, winter... spring.

What does that mean to us if we do see time as cyclical rather than linear? Would we then not put so much importance on lost time? Would we then learn to appreciate each moment more? or less?

There is no such thing as "time". It is nothing but an idea for us to try to understand and to grasp the meaning of changes. Be it linear or cyclical, all we ever have is THIS moment of conciousness.

nothingness

2007-02-24T20:09:00.000-05:00

Ever contemplate what is it like to be "nothing"? or to be more exact, to be in a state of nothingness. Being so used to be surrounded by "something", the concept of nothingness is hard to grasp.

"Big Bang", a theory that argues the concept of our current somethingness comes from nothingness. It was difficult for me to understand this theory at the beginning not because of my catholic background but because in the formation of my thought, in my formative years, the concept of nothingness was never entertained nor do I consciously know its absent. Our perception requires the delineation of one thing from another to function.

What is nothingness? Is it the lack of something? the absence of existence or the existence of nonexistence? Nothing is such a simple, day to day word. But do you really understand when we say "there's nothing here"? It is a strange thing to say because by saying it, it already implies the existence and the being of the speaker. Linguistically speaking, it is another paradox, by using the verb to be "is", the speaker is already creating the existence of "nothing". There is no such thing as the "existence" of "nothingness", because they contradict each other. Nothing is not define by being nor by existing, it is the absence of it.

Nothingness is therefore absolulte .

And in the world of nothingness and absolute, there is no being. So, being a being, it is therefore impossible for us to experience nothingness.

sense of belonging

2007-01-29T06:13:00.001-05:00

What does it mean to belong? Every one of us was born with an instinct to be part of a community, that's human nature; or we could call it natural instinct. We belong to our family, to our community, to our circle of friends, to our culture and society... and this sense of belonging even extend to something less intrinsic, such as clubs and associations.

Why do you feel the need to belong? In this sense, we are not very different from other animal. We derived our identity through this sense of belonging. By belonging to a group, a community, it tells us who we are. If I belong to an Asian society, then my identity is an Asian, it completes me as I have got to feed this psychological, mental and emotional needs of mine. We are who we are by definition of the people we surround ourselves with; we see this clearly in some of the Hollywood movies: the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, etc.

Let's bring this idea home a little. Our identity is intrinsically tied to our family. It seems that there is no way to escape this bloodline; for example, my surname is my father's surname, in some culture, for example, the latin ones, the children also takes on the mother's surname. How many times have we heard "so, you are so and so's daughter/son! You look so much like your father/mother." As we grow up, we build our identity through belonging to every aspects of society and humanity on the blank pages of ourselves, and after 20 or so odd years, we become who we are today. The question I want to ask at this point is, are we happy about who we are?

Growing up with mix parentage, and in a society where it practice preferencial treatment to a race that I don't belong to help me to cultivate this sense of "never quite belong". And on top of that, being gay and catholic. I was pretty involved in the church activity and that really gave me a sense of belonging. But at night, when I switched off the light and the rest of the goody feeling, when it was just me and the very inner self of me, I felt really empty, because that is this part of me that wants to be recognised and released but my belief, or "my belonging" did not allow me to do so because by acknowledging my sexuality, it defied my belief. These 2 parts of me cannot coexist. So, for a long time, I was in perpetual conflict and denial. This as time goes by, feed and strengthen this sense of "not belonging".

So when I decided to leave my home, my country and my family. It is with an unconscious effort to find myself. Not to belong to any society, but rather, to find out who am I by not belonging to any. To find this intrinsic me, this me that isn't defined by the culture that I grew up in, by the family that nurtured and fostered me, and by the society that told me what to and what not to do. But, you know what? This is actually a paradox. Because we as a human being, living in this relative world, our meaning are defined by others. Who we are are define by who they are not.

Once, I walked through a park in Lisbon and saw old people sitting around and family strolling, I was strucked by a sudden sense of alienation. I felt that this "picture" in front of me doesn't belong to me; or should I say, I can never belong to this picture; the perfect example of human society.

From that day on, I accepted my identity of a traveller, a wanderer, a nomad. An outsider within this lonely planet, an alien among humanity.

life as movie

2007-01-20T18:14:00.000-05:00

10 or 11 years ago, I watched a very interesting and relatively unknown movie, "Before Sunrise". It was a very simple movie about a backpacker who met a stranger on a train and they started chatting and decided to stop in Vienna and spend the night walking through the its enchanted streets before they had to go on their own way the next day. There wasn't anything spectacular, but the simplicity and exotic setting has imprinted very deeply in my heart and mind. As an adolence, I had wished for this kind of intense and passionate experience in a foreign land meeting someone who capture my heart and my imagination. Something magial.

Last summer, I was backpacking in Easter Europe for 2 months; it was an intense and awesome experience. And in the unspoiled and edgy land of Romania, I met someone. We spent 3 intense days together, the day I had to leave was one of the hardest thing I have had to do. As my bus pulled away and seeing the person I 'love' slowly disappearing from my sight and the uncertainty of whether we would meet again, tore through my heart. In the movie, the 2 protagonists made a pack to meet again in a year's time, but one of them didn't turn up. Life is like a movie, after I left Romania and we started chatting on the net and things grew from mere infactuation to something more serious; promises were made, expectations were born. Instead of waiting 1 year, like the movie, I have only to wait 4 months. When the day got closer, the anxiety grew stronger. The days leading up to it, I felt the distance. Nothing like the physical distance that seperate us; but a distance that could not be cross with any boat, nor traverse through by any vehicle, nor reach by any plane; a distance that chill the heart and warm the cheeks. The date approached and he wasn't there...

Devastated? That is an understatement. I know well enough never to put expectation on a night of passion and a long distance relationship. But I've never been the one to conform and I try to believe that there is 'hope', there is always hope. But non-conformity doesn't guarantee love.

What is love? It is just mere feeling? How is it possible that a feeling could evoke such extreme reaction? At one moment, it sends you heavenwards, through the clouds, to mingle with the stars and bath in the moonlight. And the next moment, you go through hell, heart rip out with red stingy tears.

9 years after "Before Sunrise", the director and the 2 actors decided to make a sequel, and so "Before Sunset" was born. In the movie, the 2 protagonists chanced upon each other in Paris 9 years after they first met. And walking through the Bohemian streets of Paris, they chatted and chatted, and love was reignited.

I wonder if, like the movie, I have to wait 9 years to continue this love. Is there such thing as "true love waits"?

As I wander through this land of nowhere, I wonder if this Chinese saying "Life as movie, movie as life" is true...

wander to nowhere

2007-01-13T14:30:00.000-05:00

I went home after 3 years of travelling and living abroad. Weeks leading up to my departure, I was anxious: what would it be like? how would I greet my parents? should I hug them and kiss them? I am sure they will not go for that. My western mind and my eastern heritage came into frequent conflict. I have forgotten how to behave "accordingly" in my own home.

How much can a person change in 3 years? I guess that depend on how badly that person wants to change. I was desperate for changes. I grew up wanting stability and seeking to belong but I was disappointed again and again until I learn to see that the only constant in life is 'change'. So change I did, so much so that I hardly recognise myself when I was home looking at myself through the eyes of my friends and family.

However, I love who I have become. I am contented with the structureless, unconforming life that I am carving for myself; the simplicity and intensity of living for today. I have learn to appreciate what I have and not dwell on what I have not. I have also learnt to appreciate my past, for it makes me who I am today.

I am by no means perfect nor complete, but life is a constant growth. Having an aim does not discount the essence of now. A journey is a spiritual quest and it is not so much about arriving but rather, to be at and to appreciate every moment of the journey.

So, arriving home with a contented outlook on my life, I was depressed by the frequently unhappy lives of those who are burdened by the need to live up to societal expectation, the conditioning that one cannot break away from the norm, that life has to be structured and uniform. That we have become human doing and not being. Day in and day out, we have forgotten to 'be' but constantly busied our lives with all the 'do's.

The familiarity of home had a strange flavour to it when the person itself is no longer who he was. I am no longer who I was. And therefore home is no longer a 'home' for me. The 3 years of nomadic life has shifted my sense of home from a fix geographical location, biological ties and old familiarity to a shifting reality.

And so the journey continue as I wander to nowhere...